Gorilla Glue girl becomes a trailblazer

Hairspray substitute earns Internet notoriety she’ll never escape

Some things just stick.

A nickname that rolls off the tongue, a catchy song, or even that ancient piece of gum living under your desk. For Louisiana woman Tessica Brown, it would be the Gorilla Glue she decided would make a good hairspray substitute and the Internet notoriety she’ll never escape because of it.

Brown, who has been dubbed ‘Gorilla Glue girl’, although she is 40, seems to have lost something very important that fateful day in early January when her hair got its permanent lustrous shine: her common sense.

When she picked up the Gorilla Glue, she knew it was glue. And not just any glue, but a heavy-duty, industrial-strength adhesive. Yet she still ended up with a rock hard helmet of dried glue-hair nonetheless.

Talk about a sticky situation.

Repeated attempts at washing unsurprisingly failed, and Brown even left the ER with the glue still in her hair. Her predicament probably put her in quite a doom and glue-m kind of mood.

But the Gorilla Glue girl’s fatal error was deciding to share her dilemma on TikTok and flaunting her folly to the entire world. By now, she’s amassed an audience of more than 40 million on her video documenting her situation alone.

The web is no slouch when it comes to ludicrous trends and brainless fools going viral, but sealing your hair to your scalp with Gorilla Glue? It decimated the competition in a contest nobody should ever want to win.

Since then, millions of people have taken time out of their day to read about the new most fascinating person in the 50 states, and millions of people have subsequently rolled their eyes at her predicament.

Much of the Internet has descended like a horde of invisible, cannibalistic piranhas. With a lust for blood as strong as a TikToker’s hunger for likes, a huge number of people have united to tear the poor woman apart with comments ranging from rolling-with-laughter emojis to straight-up insults to her intelligence.

The web has not been shy at casting its merciless divine judgement upon her. It may have lowered the holy staircase to Internet fame down to Earth for Brown, but her newfound infamy has come at the cost of being eviscerated by the comment section’s perfect, unerring little angels.

While some have shown sympathy for her distressful situation and acknowledged that Brown made a normal human mistake, one thing was consistent among commenters. Disappointment and disbelief that someone could do something so plain stupid.

But should we really be surprised? Humans are, well, humans. After a year in quarantine like 2020, everyone is going a little stir-crazy.

But just like a certain highly contagious virus, the Gorilla Glue phenomenon seems to be spreading rampantly across the Internet in a disturbingly familiar pattern of idiocy.

Behold, humanity’s greatest achievement, the brainchild of society: the Gorilla Glue Challenge. The trend where du – I mean, intellectuals, try to prove that Gorilla Glue isn’t that strong

How? By gluing things to themselves, of course.

Len Martin, also from Louisiana, is just one of a few geniuses who used his infinite brilliance to glue a red cup to his lip in an attempt to prove that Brown’s situation wasn’t serious

Martin had to have a doctor painstakingly peel the cup off his lip. It’s not the first time Martin has done something like this, either. In 2019, he was arrested for licking the top of an ice cream carton and putting it back in the freezer as part of a viral trend.

I can only conclude that Martin must have some kind of masochistic mouth fetish.

The fame Brown achieved from her mishap has only encouraged copycats from all over, because nothing screams “You should follow me” than purposely smearing Gorilla Glue on your body parts and ending up in the hospital.

I hope you aren’t an alien looking for signs of human intelligence in this story because there still isn’t any. In order to express her deep regret for her glue mishap, Brown has… started her very own official merch store? There, she’s selling clothes with the slogan ‘Bonded For Life’ and cartoon images of herself with a bottle of her favorite refreshing beverage (an ice-cold can of Gorilla Glue).

A bit of a questionable move, considering that this was supposedly a traumatizing disaster for her, but it seems like Brown just doesn’t “adhere” to societal norms at this point.

At the very least, she seems to have escaped her scalp armor relatively unscathed with the help of Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Michael Obeng. The GoFundMe campaign Brown started to help pay for her medical expenses even raised nearly $24,000 before the operation.

But Obeng took pity on her and performed the operation for free, rendering the donation money completely pointless, much like this intricately crafted article.

Brown ended up donating the money to a restorative surgery foundation that Obeng founded. If she had spent it on herself, we can probably assume she would have been smote into oblivion in an otherworldly display of even more vicious comment section backlash.

Although Brown’s reception so far hasn’t been exactly positive, publicity is publicity. And when an audience of tens of millions of people is involved, so is a bounty of sweet, sweet cash.

Naturally, Brown has already partnered with an entertainment service company, Gitoni, and has her own marketing manager, Gina Rodriguez, looking to wring out as much moolah as possible from Brown’s social media fame. Obeng actually happens to be part of Gitoni’s makeover team, which may or may not be sheer coincidence.

Gorilla Glue has also seen an influx of attention lately. The company seems to be raking in the dough with this free marketing bonanza, having done nothing but be in the right place at the right time for this stroke of luck.

As the Gorilla Glue girl’s face exploded all over social media like an egg in the microwave, the brand came along for the ride, and the free publicity has seen Gorilla Glue’s Amazon search volume skyrocket 4,378 percent, according to AdAge.

The company’s CEO, Mark Mercurio, said in an email that Gorilla Glue doesn’t plan to change its marketing strategy in response.

Gorilla Glue’s approach makes sense. The stars have aligned for them, perfectly in their favor. Nobody died, there was a happy ending, and now it’s undeniable that their product 100 percent works as intended. All Gorilla Glue needs to do is sit back and munch on a bowl of popcorn-flavored dollar bills.

Brown has also denied intending to sue the company, so we most likely won’t be seeing any relabeling or added warnings.

Bottom line, we all make silly mistakes sometimes, but most of us are lucky enough to not bring them to the attention of millions of people. Brown needs all the support she can get right now. Just remember: gluing a cup to your face isn’t helping anyone.